trolls and cougars
Whew! The internet can be a sticky place, my friends. On Tuesday night I had a confrontation with a commenter on my blog AND got into a twitter argument that involved Demi Moore. It sounds more exciting than it was.
As I was digging through my statistics and determining the identity of the blog commenter, my phone started going nuts – ping! ping! ping! ping! It was Twitter @ replies resulting from an earlier tweet I’d sent out, and yet another internet brouhaha had begun even before I had finished dealing with the first.
Backing up a little, earlier in the day I read an article in which Demi Moore was quoted as saying that she does not like being called a cougar, she prefers the term puma. My eyes rolled so far back in my head I had to go the the clinic for an eyeball re-adjustment.
Listen. The word cougar is ridiculous and insulting. It is a word intended to make a derogatory statement on a woman’s sexuality and should cease to exist, as far as I’m concerned.
I have never been called a cougar. Although I will be 40 in a very short time, my boyfriend is older than me. THREE DAYS OLDER THAN ME. Thank god because otherwise my sexuality would be an open target for mockery. PHEW.
In other words, this is not personal, other than it’s personal to me as a woman. My views have nothing to do with my current age, and I believe I would have disliked this word if I’d heard it when I was in my 20′s, 30′s or 40′s.
I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this. Trot out your “lighten up” and “have a sense of humour” comments, I’ve heard them all, including on Twitter on Tuesday night, my favorite being “maybe you just need to be fucked!!!”
My point is words do carry a lot of power and this phrase was coined as a way of implying that an “older” (shudder) woman in charge of her own sexuality is a predator. How many comments have you heard along the lines of “Look out boys, that’s real cougar bar!” etc? So not only does using this word imply that women are stalking their prey, we warn men to “look out” for these women. Be afraid, be very afraid of the woman older than you!
There is no word or phrase for a 40-something year old man dating younger women, other than “Right on dude!” There is no word or phrase for women in their 20′s dating younger men. No, the derogatory terms only come out once the woman is over 30 (puma) and beyond (cougar), 30 being the commonly-held age in our society at which a woman is considered over the hill, past due, and exists for one purpose – to get married, have children, and stop having sex, FOR GOD’S SAKE!
Words like this speak to the views of society that a woman of a “certain age” should know her place, so to speak. You can be the Madonna OR the Whore. The only acceptable place for women after a certain age is at home, as a wife and preferably a mother, with no sexuality to speak of. We don’t judge the sex lives of these women other than the old saw about them turning their husbands down every night. In other words, if these women have no sex life that is socially acceptable and is, in fact, preferable to being a single woman enjoying sex.
As we age, many women come into their own sexuality, they embrace it and know that they are beautiful and sexy enough to be with any man of any age. This is not celebrated in our society, it is mocked.
I know Demi is a huge twitterer and although I do not follow her, I sent her this message:
Serious question for @mrskutcher: why is comparing a woman’s sexuality to one predatory animal (puma) preferable to another (cougar)?
I was not trying to provoke her, but really am curious how one can say they dislike being compared to one type of predatory animal, but are OK with another. I found her statement really confusing.
Back to the ping! ping! ping! of my phone. This is the reply I received from Demi:
mrskutcher Sense of humor is key! RT @purplelara Serious question y’s comparing a woman’s sexuality2 1predatory animal puma preferable 2 another cougar
Oh god. The old “sense of humor” excuse. Bravo, Demi. Way to think that through, how insightful, etc. Now before anyone flames me, I realize the comparison I’m about to draw isn’t of the same level and nor am I saying one name carries the same historical and societal hurt as the other, but is used as an example of why I think the “sense of humor” excuse for calling people names is pure bullshit. I sent this back, but haven’t seen a further reply.
@mrskutcher So if I thought it was funny to call a black person the N word that’s ok? Not the same caliber but humor isnt an excuse.
There are some people in this world that think calling a black person the N word is HEEE-LARE-EEE-OUS. Does that make it acceptable? No, it does not.
I have known people who think terms like “Jungle Bunny” and “Spear Chucker” are also funny. I’ve been told to “lighten up” for protesting such terms. My point, with those names and yes, with names like “cougar” are that they originated to mock and denigrate and, in my opinion, should be removed from the language. Words do cease to have a place in the common vocabulary over time if people stop using them, and if you don’t agree, mayhaps you should consider the last time you heard someone called a negro and why the word mayhaps just earned a squiggly red line from my spell checker.
As for the women who embrace and “take back” the word cougar, as in “RAWR I’m a proud cougar”, I would remind you that the word, as directed at you, was originally designed to make fun of you. To place a negative connotation on your sexuality. Why would you want to embrace that? Find another word, a word that does not compare you to a predator, a word that truly celebrates the good place you are in with regards to your sense of self and sexuality. You find a word, don’t allow others to create a hurtful one for you and then pretend it’s OK.
I have had this argument before. I do not agree with “taking back” hurtful words. I do not like black hearing people call each other the N word and I do not like hearing gay men call each other the (three letter) F word. I realize there are those with a different opinion on this matter, but this is mine.
I don’t call up my girlfriends and say “Hey bitch, what are you doing?” I don’t call them the C word. These are hurtful words and I choose not to use them.
So Courtney Cox, Demi Moore and others: You are beautiful, sexy women, no matter what your age. Quit making it so easy for others to mock you and other women who should be celebrated and admired, not made fun of.
And internet, I love you but you sure do bring out the crazies.
