pass the flashlight
I decide to start writing more and I get complete brain block. Typical, thanks BRAIN.
Part of the reason I’m blocked right now is I’m in a funk. A nice, deep, dark funk. Some people are inspired to write when they are blue, I am inspired drink wine. And, no. No, I will not post after a few drinks, no no no no no never.
My boyfriend, best friend and I have been planning a trip for over a year, partly for the usual reasons one goes on vacation – to have fun and relax and eat and drink – on the best beach in the world, and more significantly (for Andrew and I) to celebrate our 40th birthdays which are coming up in the next month.
For reasons I’m not going to get into here, the trip is off. We didn’t make this decision ourselves, it was made for us, and that, and the fact that other people are going instead is making the loss of the vacation that much tougher to bear.
I knew turning 40 would put me into a bit of a funk. I’m sure every “change of decade” birthday seems more significant than the last, and 40 seems, well, “middle-aged”. Like I’m officially not young anymore and can’t pretend to be either. I’m officially grown-up, officially an adult and there are no more excuses for not having my shit together. Of course, most of us never feel we are completely grown up. Many of us are never completely confident we have all our shit all together* and up until now that was ok. But now, at this age, imperfections feel like failures and the realization that the clock is winding down on making things right is sobering. 40 is a tough one. I realize this is not unique to me, I do.
(*exception: our 20’s when we thought we knew everything)
Andrew and I are also blessed with having birthdays in the darkest, wettest, dankest months of the year and we knew we wanted, needed, to see a light shining in the distance as we approached our 40th’s. The light has been turned out, and it’s pretty damn dark in here.
on November 10, 2009 at 9:44 pm
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My apologies for removing the last comment and my reply to it. Unfortunately, the comment from “Diane” appears to have been an attempt to draw me into revealing further details on this matter, even though I said above I will not get into details here. I fell for it.
I have to approve all comments posted here. I read hers, and although it made me feel a little uncomfortable, I respected her right to state her opinion, even though it was quite contrary to my own.
I approved her comment assuming it was genuine. I am too trusting and it bit me in the ass.
My bad.
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