in the ghetto
A couple of hours ago I posted this message on Twitter:
Oh lord, I think I smell the “dead rat rotting on top of my built in dishwasher” smell. Again.
Which, in retrospect, was kind of stupid, because all of a sudden had @ replies and DM’s saying “WTF” and “EW WHAT?” and I can’t tell the story in under 140 characters, so…blog post!
Last winter we started suspecting we may have a moose loose in the hoose, so to speak. We heard little noises in the night and eventually started finding poop droppings in cupboards and so forth. Now, before you picture my ghetto kitchen, I have to say I HAVE AN AWESOME KITCHEN.
it’s not actually crooked, I’m simply a crap photographer
And now before you say “BRAG MUCH?” here is the kitchen from the same angle, taken shortly after I bought this place:
I know. You can’t see it, right? Because we knocked down a motherfucking WALL. Here is it from another angle:
So I am kind of proud and defensive of my formerly ghetto kitchen.
Where was I?
Oh right poop droppings.
We set traps but the little bastard(s) eluded us. We’d hear the traps SNAP in the night and in the morning we’d cautiously peer into cabinets preparing to see dismembered mice, yet we’d find only empty mousetraps and more poop droppings.
We left the traps set and plugged up holes in the radiators. The poop disappeared and we went about our lives, as you do.
Some weeks later, I started noticing The Smell. I couldn’t identify The Smell other than something smelled *off*. I drove myself nuts, seeking out the source of The Smell – opening cabinets, pulling out the fridge and sniff, sniff, sniffing. Oddly, The Smell seemed strongest when we ran the dishwasher.
(You may see where this is going, I did not).
My best guess, at the time, was that The Smell was due to a leak in the dishwasher hose or pipe or whatever the hell is back there, rotting out the drywall and possibly my floors. I was concerned if the wall was damaged, I could be on the hook for a repair bill for the strata property.
The Smell was getting worse. Much worse.
One day, immediately after Andrew left for work (naturally), I decided to pull out the dishwasher and see if dampness, wall or floor rot lurked in the space behind it.
I pulled out the screws holding the dishwasher to the underside of the counter and slowly pulled the it out of place. I had it about six inches out when I saw it.
IT. WAS. FURRY.
IT.WAS. BLOODY.
IT. WAS. DEAD.
IT. WAS. A. RAT.
I did what any calm, rational, adult woman would do in the situation. I screamed and ran behind the counter and texted Andrew:
DEAD FUCKING RAT DEAD FUCKING RAT OMG DEAD FUCKING RAT
To which he replied something like “Ew. What are you going to do?”
(Freak the fuck out, is what I’m going to do! The hell?)
My next move was to send the same text to my fearless best friend, who immediately said she was on her way. She arrived, pulled the dishwasher all the way out, gagged, wrapped the dead body up in dishwasher insulation and tossed it in the dumpster. I remained on the other side of the apartment, trying not to heave.
The Smell, you see, was the body of the dead rat, rotting, inches below my countertop. Rotting more quickly every time we ran the nice hot dishwasher and nice hot dry cycle.
The Smell was Dead Rotting Rat, Slow Cooker Style.
As it happens, I think my Twitter panic earlier tonight was premature. Sometimes simply the smell of the dishwasher triggers my PTSD, as you may well imagine.
on January 4, 2010 at 8:39 pm
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1. GAH! GAH! GAAAAAH! D:
2. I covet your kitchen. Seriously.
3. What are “you” going to do? “Wait for YOU to get home, dumb ass!”
4. I hope you bought that friend an awesome Christmas toque. ;)
[Reply]
purplelara Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 9:32 pm
1. I KNOW
2. Thank you!
3. Oh no. No, it could not wait for him to get off work. It was THAT FOUL.
4. It’s that friend’s birthday this week, I have no idea what to get her. Perhaps a toque!
[Reply]
on December 22, 2009 at 5:55 am
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I am not sure what kind of friend comes over and removes dead rotting rat from a friend’s house, but I’m pretty sure it’s the gold, silver, AND diamond kind of friend.
[Reply]
purplelara Reply:
December 22nd, 2009 at 7:33 am
It most definitely is!
[Reply]
on December 21, 2009 at 7:43 pm
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Lara, Lara. Lara said: Sorry about the vague rat tweet. Here's the back-story: http://bit.ly/5giPbG [...]