Did I ever tell you I had an earlier blog? No? Hmm, really, I can’t think of why. But I did, it was short lived and secret and it was when I was going through the separation that led to my divorce and I was kind of a mess. Hey don’t you wish you could have read all about that?
I am always, always thinking about writing again. I never stick with it and I’m not sure why. I write at work, all day, every day so there’s that. I’m also told you should write about things you are passionate about, right? So, I should start a cheap wine blog? A pizza blog? AN AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL BLOG? (I’m kidding about one of those).
I started thinking the other day about the writing I did in the past and I wondering if I could remember the password associated with the account or even the email address I had at the time. Turns out I’m an awesome geek and I’d saved the info and last night I went and poked my head into, well, my own head all those years ago and ohgodwow.
I wonder if people question how things fell apart for us so quickly. Before it happened to me I questioned how two people could go from “let’s promise to be together all forever-like” to “I hate you so much DIE ALREADY” in just a few months. I stopped wondering pretty quick.
I forget myself how bad it was. What I put up with was ridiculous and humiliating and killed a part of me.
Some people don’t understand how damaging it is, how the horribly hurtful things said and done to you by someone you love makes it harder, not easier to leave. It damages you and when you’re damaged you hate yourself. You hate yourself for putting up with it, for not being able to stop it, for failing to be the person he wants you to be, and for being the person he tells you you are. Your self-esteem is shattered, daily, and with no self-esteem, you do not have the courage to leave. Until one day you do.
